Dearest diary, I write from the depths of the Arctic, my bones pinched by frost, swaddled layer upon layer useless.
With these many months to go, the outlook is bleak. . . unless Mr. Bag Lady and I can agree on a & # @%! air conditioner adjustment.
So it was my month of June.
I am frozen (a decidedly bad thing). Yet I also purposely freeze my cups of peanut butter (a decidedly good thing).
And I’m learning the most random British slang and fascinating facts about sexually transmitted diseases on a super trashy new reality TV show at The Bag House that I force Mr. Bag Lady to watch with me because, hey , that’s the price to keep this place at 54 – & # @%! – degrees.
Come on, don’t bother me.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, DON’T YOU?
Thus, after having recently subscribed to Hulu and nosed around in its offers, Bag Lady came across season 1 of the British version of “Love Island”.
Think ‘Survivor’ with chain smokers in smaller swimsuits, and instead of an actual island, this is a fabulous villa, with regular voted people, regularly added hottest hotties, and priced for it. last couple standing.
It’s something like six weeks in real time and 34 episodes, so you get a lot of drama I’m dating her today / can you believe what he says and delicious English slang like being ” trapped “or” assaulted “(being looked down upon or abandoned;” footed off “having apparently punched in the face with cream pie origins. I mean, naturally.)
The show is rancid and addicting easy going summer. (Please don’t tell me who wins, but if Jon and Hannah don’t, it’s a travesty.)
Oh! Also, eye chlamydia is one thing that, wow. The more you know.
ALSO A PARADISITY
The speed at which I started to eat Reese’s cups of peanut butter. Bag Lady started storing them in the freezer on purpose, so any snacking has to be very intentional and thoughtful lest I break a tooth on a frozen, shredded chocolate rim.
I gave up my daily habit of Hannaford Rum Butter Muffins, but not entirely by my own choice: After writing about their sheer, sweet perfection in April, on my next trip to the grocery store, they were entirely sold out. . Faded away. Finished. There is only a sea of corn muffins left, which, sorry, corn muffins, I don’t like you like that.
This is exactly why I didn’t share the location of my newly replenished Cains tarter sauce stash.
IN HONOR OF SUMMER AND FABULOUS VILLAS
The three most ‘Love Island’ UK inspired costumes you can find with curbside pickup at Auburn Mall JCPenney’s at present:
• Mynah geometric high neck bikini swimsuit top, $ 34.99 on sale
Black and white with full coverage but for the discreet peepholes that flow down the center.
• Mynah cheetah tankini bikini top, $ 31.99 on sale
Cheetah print tank top that sits at the waist, full coverage but for massive cleavage cutout.
• Miken women’s herringbone swim dress, $ 28.99 on sale
A pretty herringbone pattern with cap sleeves, cinched just below the bust with just a little more coverage than plastic wrap. You would fit in perfectly on the island.
MEANWHILE . . .
Dear Diary, I’m typing this shivering in the dark, my blinds drawn to “keep out the daytime heat” and “what’s the matter anyway? I hope to make it through September with all my fingers and toes having escaped the ravages of frostbite. If I do, I make him watch seasons 2 AND 3.
Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of sleek, sweater-clad Doberman pinschers (whose thick woolen tunics protect them from the worst of the air conditioning) and the Sun Journal’s customer service counter. You can reach her at [email protected]
Let’s go and sit in the dark, under the stars. I’ll bring the Kit Kats.